Quiz: “Should I Leave My Partner?”

I feel most of my clients who come to me for relationship advice, are individuals pondering this very question: should I leave my partner?

Based on my experience as a relationship coach, I put this simple quiz together to help you better understand your motivations, and gain insight as to why you may be feeling this way.

THE ‘QUIZ’

Simply Answer ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ to the following questions, in order, according to the descriptions below them.

Please read through all the questions first, then answer as honestly as you can.

Question 1: Do you Want to Leave Your Partner?

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When thinking about want, think about your personal desires and how you want to live your life. Think about your personal goals and aspirations in life, and decipher if you feel they’re restricted or constrained because of your commitment to your relationship. If you find yourself feeling restricted, then you likely want to leave your partner.

Question 2: Do you Need to Leave Your Partner?

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When thinking about needs, think about your most basic level needs, such as your physiological needs: food, water, warmth, shelter, sex and so on. And your safety and security needs such as emotional security, personal safety and security and in this day and age, financial security. If your basic needs aren’t fulfilled satisfactorily because of your relationship, then you likely need to leave your partner, for your life and well-being has become dependant on your relationship.

Question 3: Can you Afford to Leave Your Partner?

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This question is all about if you feel you can afford the opportunity to leave your partner. Basically weighing up the cost and gain or the pros and cons. For example, if you have little to none mutual investments (such as children, business, property, friends/networks), you yourself are financially independent or can be, your partner is emotionally secure, and you have a strong support network, then you’re likely to feel that you can afford to leave your partner. If, on the other hand, you have many shared mutual investments, are financially unstable, you or your partner is emotionally dependant, and you have a weak support network, then you’re likely to feel like you can’t afford to leave your partner. So think about this answer very carefully.

YOUR ANSWERS

Here’s what your results may suggest, though please keep in mind that this quiz should not be substituted for professional advice. Consider it a useful evaluation tool.

1.Yes / 2.Yes / 3.Yes – Absolutely Positive

You probably should leave your partner or at least consider temporary separation. Your relationship no longer serves any real purpose or value, and the longer you hold on to it, the more resentment you’ll develop. You will likely consider cheating if you haven’t cheated already.

1.No / 2.No / 3. No – Absolute Negative

You probably shouldn’t leave your partner because your relationship is healthy for you, and you’re not likely to cheat. However, if you are pondering this question, then perhaps it’s your partner who should be taking this quiz, for it could be your partner who may have you feeling a little insecure.

1.Yes / 2.Yes / 2.No – Out of Love.

It’s a lack of independence and confidence that is holding you back. Therefore, I suggest you place priority on developing your confidence and gaining independent control in areas of your life, where you’re most insecure. For example, learn to develop your own financial security, improve your self-perception and learn how to live life on your own terms. When you feel more confident re-visit this question, as you may change your mind about how you feel. A physical and emotional affair is likely if left unresolved, so discuss deeply your personal aspirations and desires with your partner.

1.Yes / 2.No / 2.No – Identity Crisis

Your relationship draws too much focus and I think want to feel like an individual again. Start developing your identity by investing in independent hobbies and interests, generally things you’re curious about. You’re likely to get involved in an emotional affair over a physical one, because what you desire is connected more to the mind than the body. Education would be a good route for you or perhaps starting a new career, but don’t make any more mutual investments with your partner, until you feel like you again. Discuss the redistribution of responsibilities with your partner, so that you can have the opportunity to develop a sense of self.

1.No / 2.Yes / 3.Yes – Feeling Guilty.

The lack of spiritual and/or physical fulfillment is motivating this thought. Your compassion and concern for your partners well-being is a contender keeping you from leaving. You can afford to leave and you need to leave, but whatever attachment is keeping you from leaving stems from your very own humanity. You may already be sabotaging your relationship, perhaps not knowingly, because you may be looking for an excuse or blame or exit strategy where you don’t feel guilt or shame. Either way, it’s not fair on you nor your partner to prolong an unfulfilling relationship. Your relationship is unhealthy, so break-up or be prepared to talk brutally honest about how you feel. A physical affair is likely, temptations are probably high.

1.No / 2.No / 3.Yes – Complacency

You need a bit of excitement in your life, book a vacation and/or explore new ways to spice up your relationship. Maybe a good opportunity to invest in something, or indulge yourself. Maybe think about having children if you want them/another. You probably don’t want to cheat, but if you don’t do something you enjoy soon, you probably will have an affair out of boredom. People who often find themselves here may cause unnecessary drama in a relationship, because they lack stimulation. Maybe develop a creative outlet, better that than to take your frustrations out on your relationship.

1.No / 2.Yes / 3.No – Oppression

Are you oppressed? Your identity is probably sewn into your relationship, and perhaps you fear the consequences of leaving. Who are you without your partner and what are you worth? You need to conquer some fears and discover/reveal who you really are and what you’re really capable of. You need personal aspirations and independent goals, you need to be able to take care of yourself. So I suggest you start making a list of personal fears and start conquering them, maybe start with the easiest one. Personal triumphs can go a long way for you, however small they may seem. Start regaining control over your life, but to do that, you need some confidence, so investigate your curiosities.

1.Yes / 2.No / 3.Yes – Convenience

It’s like you’re hanging around because the sex is good, or whatever other basic need is abundantly fulfilled. I think that maybe you like being taken care of, or maybe you just like the comfort/convenience of having a partner, either way, you’re probably compromising your identity and personal development for it. I suggest having an open and honest conversation about your intentions for the relationship, and see if you’re both willing to continue until the relationships no longer serves a purpose. There’s not much psychological fulfillment in this relationship, but there is a lot of physiological fulfillment. It’s a relationship not a spa, please tread on your partners heart carefully, or better yet, be honest.

Want to improve communication in your relationship? Discover 5 Alternative ways to improve communication in your relationship…

 

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Breaking Bad… Habits.

Did you know that changing behavior can be as easy as managing convenience?

The simplest way to change negative behaviors is by making them more inconvenient. For example, if you’re struggling to break the social media binge, make it more difficult to access your social media accounts. Delete the apps and make logging in more inconvenient by not storing your passwords.

On the other hand, make engage positive behaviors more convenient. For example, do you want to read more? Leave a book in your bathroom, and when you need to go, leave the phone behind so that when you’re busy doing your business, you have nothing else to do but read to occupy your time. Even if it’s a page or a paragraph, you’ll already be reading more!

These are just simple examples, but they’re a great way to engage productivity and take responsibility for your life.  I offer few more tips in the video above, but if you put your mind to it, I’m sure you can uncover ways to develop from the habits keeping you from accessing your potential.

READY TO TAKE YOUR LIFE TO THE NEXT LEVEL?

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If you don’t want to give up, don’t.

 

Working to accomplish any goal is challenging, and often enough, it’s the mental challenges which cause us to buckle under pressure

We tend to set goals out of excitement, in high energy and with the focus of who we can be and what we can uncover when we achieve them. Although, it is naive to think that this is how we’re going to feel throughout point A to point B, but in truth, we need this naivety in order to set goals in the first place.

We have to allow our ambitions to override our instincts when setting goals, otherwise we’d see nothing but the challenges we’re going to face. There’d be no motivation to set a goal if all we focused on were the difficulties we’d come up against.

Our ambitions allow us to momentarily bypass reality and harness the intention of our desires. It’s a powerful force because that feeling we get when setting a goal, is a feeling we want to embody.

It’s like a higher version of self pays us a visit, shows us who we have the potential to be in order to seed an intention, then leaves us figure out how to make it happen. – Practically the epitome of the human experience; problem solving.

Challenges, they bring us back down to reality, they make us focus on the present moment and we should be incredibly grateful for that. For without our challenges, our goals would have no purpose whatsoever and we’d be living ignorantly and without purpose.

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When my clients talk about “giving up” I merely remind them that they’re only responding to the challenge at present. That if they truly wanted to give up, they wouldn’t have bothered setting the goal in question, in the first place. Nobody in the history of everything, started something with the intention of giving up. Giving up is a really dumb idea – go splash your face with some ice-cold water and realize that you’re still alive and in control.

If we’ve invested in our goals, then we should be equally, if not more invested in our challenges too. Our challenges help us identify what we don’t know, that’s why they’re so liberating when we overcome them, they help us develop.

If you feel pressured and feel like you should give up, just remember you’re responding to the challenge and not the goal. If you cannot handle the challenge, then scale back and formulate a new strategy, that’s all you have to do.

Many people overlook the fact that we yearn for the emotional response when achieving a goal; it’s that self-validation we’re striving for. It’s self-validation we need in order to unlock and harness our potential, and become self-realized. Giving up is self-sabotaging behavior and the only thing you’ll ever learn from giving up, is that you’re incapable of living and designing your own life.

On that note, I leave you with this one question: if you’re not living to experience what you’re truly capable of, what is it exactly, are trying to do with your life?

Are Insecure Women Taking Advantage of Emotionally Ignorant Men?

 

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I had recently shared a post about the state of mental health among men, and as a result of that post, I saw a dramatic increase of consultations from men. Which is when I started becoming aware of another silent, and probably growing epidemic affecting men (and women). Men are being left heartbroken after investing in a relationship for a significant amount of time, because they’ve fallen victim to a fallacy. Their partners never intended to commit, they simply needed “a place to crash” as one client described it.

I’m a feminist, actually, scratch that, I’m a Sikh (still a feminist), because I truly believe that men and women are equal. As a result of this belief, rather truth, and that I also work in the field of relationships, I feel I should acknowledge a growing concern among men which isn’t talked about enough.

Now when it comes to relationships, I do agree, women have suffered far worse. You only have to look back a decade to realize how challenging it was/still is for women to be respected. There are women across the globe who are still having to fight and campaign for basic equal rights, which in 2018 sounds absurd. As men, we have a duty to support and educate ourselves about women. And, in the spirit of equality, women do also need to support and educate themselves on men – if we really are looking to shape an equal world.

Truth is, the majority of women don’t truly understand men, and vice versa, the majority of men don’t really understand women – though I would say the latter is probably more apparent in society today. Through years of conditioning and submitting genders to inaccurate roles represented in, well, pretty much anything we consume, is it any wonder why we define each other by generalized representations? Instead of actually understanding and getting to know each other as individuals?

In relationships, so many people think they know their partner inside out, it just isn’t true inside every relationship. Great relationships are one’s where both individuals are mutually and equally involved in each others personal development, and always trying to understand each other better as individuals. Difficult relationships on the other hand, are basically when two individuals have submitted to roles defined for them, and the relationship is merely a manifestation of a representation or ideology. Where does your relationship fall on this spectrum?

So back to the topic – which actually resonates with the dire end of the spectrum – are insecure women taking advantage of emotionally ignorant men? Yes, there are women out there, who, in order to maintain a sense of security, are seeking a more emotionally fragile partner (easy to manipulate) to take care of them, only to leave once a sense of security is acquired. It happens, it’s not the majority of all women, and it’s not the majority of all men – please keep this in mind.

When we live in a society where we’re so conditioned to adopt certain ideologies about gender, it’s easy to fall victim to insecurity and ignorance. Men, you cannot buy love and taking care of someone is not an investment in your future. For example, if you choose to spend your time and money on taking care of someone, and choose to ignore the truths of how you feel – perhaps neglected? Insecure? Fragile? Then you are being emotionally ignorant. You cannot stop anyone from changing their mind, or walking away, and if you’re heartbroken because they did, and you feel betrayed, check in with your emotions first – did you ignore your truth? Was it easier to continue the relationship, than to disrupt it and enter conflict with presenting how you feel and facing the truth?

Men often become ignorant as they’re taught to bury how they feel to avoid coming across as weak and jeopardizing their masculinity (their security), and as a result, use their “advantages” as men to secure a partner. Presenting themselves in a way where they feel they can offer security and safety, in exchange for the love and belonging (emotional needs) they desperately need. For insecure women it’s often the other way round, they present love and belonging, their “advantage”, in exchange for safety and security. Women often become insecure because the world isn’t as secure for them.

Why? It’s likely because of how the world interrupts our natural journey into self-actualization/realization. What we see in the media particularly, encourages this type of behaviour. Women are taught to appeal to men’s emotional needs, and men are often taught to appeal to women’s safety and security needs.

How do we prevent it? It’s quite simple in theory, men need to start facing how they feel and learn to seek support independently, and women need to have more independent equal opportunities. This is an example of a restriction in our society which is keeping many people from realizing what they’re truly capable of as individuals, keeping people from discovering genuine partnerships.

In summary then, are insecure women taking advantage of emotionally ignorant men? Yes, but both parties are culpable. Therefore, we can also argue the that emotionally ignorant men are also taking advantage of insecure women.

Equality, it’s crucial to human development, please take notice.

Are you ready to discover the truths about your relationship?

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