Quiz: “Should I Leave My Partner?”

I feel most of my clients who come to me for relationship advice, are individuals pondering this very question: should I leave my partner?

Based on my experience as a relationship coach, I put this simple quiz together to help you better understand your motivations, and gain insight as to why you may be feeling this way.

THE ‘QUIZ’

Simply Answer ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ to the following questions, in order, according to the descriptions below them.

Please read through all the questions first, then answer as honestly as you can.

Question 1: Do you Want to Leave Your Partner?

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When thinking about want, think about your personal desires and how you want to live your life. Think about your personal goals and aspirations in life, and decipher if you feel they’re restricted or constrained because of your commitment to your relationship. If you find yourself feeling restricted, then you likely want to leave your partner.

Question 2: Do you Need to Leave Your Partner?

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When thinking about needs, think about your most basic level needs, such as your physiological needs: food, water, warmth, shelter, sex and so on. And your safety and security needs such as emotional security, personal safety and security and in this day and age, financial security. If your basic needs aren’t fulfilled satisfactorily because of your relationship, then you likely need to leave your partner, for your life and well-being has become dependant on your relationship.

Question 3: Can you Afford to Leave Your Partner?

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This question is all about if you feel you can afford the opportunity to leave your partner. Basically weighing up the cost and gain or the pros and cons. For example, if you have little to none mutual investments (such as children, business, property, friends/networks), you yourself are financially independent or can be, your partner is emotionally secure, and you have a strong support network, then you’re likely to feel that you can afford to leave your partner. If, on the other hand, you have many shared mutual investments, are financially unstable, you or your partner is emotionally dependant, and you have a weak support network, then you’re likely to feel like you can’t afford to leave your partner. So think about this answer very carefully.

YOUR ANSWERS

Here’s what your results may suggest, though please keep in mind that this quiz should not be substituted for professional advice. Consider it a useful evaluation tool.

1.Yes / 2.Yes / 3.Yes – Absolutely Positive

You probably should leave your partner or at least consider temporary separation. Your relationship no longer serves any real purpose or value, and the longer you hold on to it, the more resentment you’ll develop. You will likely consider cheating if you haven’t cheated already.

1.No / 2.No / 3. No – Absolute Negative

You probably shouldn’t leave your partner because your relationship is healthy for you, and you’re not likely to cheat. However, if you are pondering this question, then perhaps it’s your partner who should be taking this quiz, for it could be your partner who may have you feeling a little insecure.

1.Yes / 2.Yes / 2.No – Out of Love.

It’s a lack of independence and confidence that is holding you back. Therefore, I suggest you place priority on developing your confidence and gaining independent control in areas of your life, where you’re most insecure. For example, learn to develop your own financial security, improve your self-perception and learn how to live life on your own terms. When you feel more confident re-visit this question, as you may change your mind about how you feel. A physical and emotional affair is likely if left unresolved, so discuss deeply your personal aspirations and desires with your partner.

1.Yes / 2.No / 2.No – Identity Crisis

Your relationship draws too much focus and I think want to feel like an individual again. Start developing your identity by investing in independent hobbies and interests, generally things you’re curious about. You’re likely to get involved in an emotional affair over a physical one, because what you desire is connected more to the mind than the body. Education would be a good route for you or perhaps starting a new career, but don’t make any more mutual investments with your partner, until you feel like you again. Discuss the redistribution of responsibilities with your partner, so that you can have the opportunity to develop a sense of self.

1.No / 2.Yes / 3.Yes – Feeling Guilty.

The lack of spiritual and/or physical fulfillment is motivating this thought. Your compassion and concern for your partners well-being is a contender keeping you from leaving. You can afford to leave and you need to leave, but whatever attachment is keeping you from leaving stems from your very own humanity. You may already be sabotaging your relationship, perhaps not knowingly, because you may be looking for an excuse or blame or exit strategy where you don’t feel guilt or shame. Either way, it’s not fair on you nor your partner to prolong an unfulfilling relationship. Your relationship is unhealthy, so break-up or be prepared to talk brutally honest about how you feel. A physical affair is likely, temptations are probably high.

1.No / 2.No / 3.Yes – Complacency

You need a bit of excitement in your life, book a vacation and/or explore new ways to spice up your relationship. Maybe a good opportunity to invest in something, or indulge yourself. Maybe think about having children if you want them/another. You probably don’t want to cheat, but if you don’t do something you enjoy soon, you probably will have an affair out of boredom. People who often find themselves here may cause unnecessary drama in a relationship, because they lack stimulation. Maybe develop a creative outlet, better that than to take your frustrations out on your relationship.

1.No / 2.Yes / 3.No – Oppression

Are you oppressed? Your identity is probably sewn into your relationship, and perhaps you fear the consequences of leaving. Who are you without your partner and what are you worth? You need to conquer some fears and discover/reveal who you really are and what you’re really capable of. You need personal aspirations and independent goals, you need to be able to take care of yourself. So I suggest you start making a list of personal fears and start conquering them, maybe start with the easiest one. Personal triumphs can go a long way for you, however small they may seem. Start regaining control over your life, but to do that, you need some confidence, so investigate your curiosities.

1.Yes / 2.No / 3.Yes – Convenience

It’s like you’re hanging around because the sex is good, or whatever other basic need is abundantly fulfilled. I think that maybe you like being taken care of, or maybe you just like the comfort/convenience of having a partner, either way, you’re probably compromising your identity and personal development for it. I suggest having an open and honest conversation about your intentions for the relationship, and see if you’re both willing to continue until the relationships no longer serves a purpose. There’s not much psychological fulfillment in this relationship, but there is a lot of physiological fulfillment. It’s a relationship not a spa, please tread on your partners heart carefully, or better yet, be honest.

Want to improve communication in your relationship? Discover 5 Alternative ways to improve communication in your relationship…

 

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Are Insecure Women Taking Advantage of Emotionally Ignorant Men?

 

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I had recently shared a post about the state of mental health among men, and as a result of that post, I saw a dramatic increase of consultations from men. Which is when I started becoming aware of another silent, and probably growing epidemic affecting men (and women). Men are being left heartbroken after investing in a relationship for a significant amount of time, because they’ve fallen victim to a fallacy. Their partners never intended to commit, they simply needed “a place to crash” as one client described it.

I’m a feminist, actually, scratch that, I’m a Sikh (still a feminist), because I truly believe that men and women are equal. As a result of this belief, rather truth, and that I also work in the field of relationships, I feel I should acknowledge a growing concern among men which isn’t talked about enough.

Now when it comes to relationships, I do agree, women have suffered far worse. You only have to look back a decade to realize how challenging it was/still is for women to be respected. There are women across the globe who are still having to fight and campaign for basic equal rights, which in 2018 sounds absurd. As men, we have a duty to support and educate ourselves about women. And, in the spirit of equality, women do also need to support and educate themselves on men – if we really are looking to shape an equal world.

Truth is, the majority of women don’t truly understand men, and vice versa, the majority of men don’t really understand women – though I would say the latter is probably more apparent in society today. Through years of conditioning and submitting genders to inaccurate roles represented in, well, pretty much anything we consume, is it any wonder why we define each other by generalized representations? Instead of actually understanding and getting to know each other as individuals?

In relationships, so many people think they know their partner inside out, it just isn’t true inside every relationship. Great relationships are one’s where both individuals are mutually and equally involved in each others personal development, and always trying to understand each other better as individuals. Difficult relationships on the other hand, are basically when two individuals have submitted to roles defined for them, and the relationship is merely a manifestation of a representation or ideology. Where does your relationship fall on this spectrum?

So back to the topic – which actually resonates with the dire end of the spectrum – are insecure women taking advantage of emotionally ignorant men? Yes, there are women out there, who, in order to maintain a sense of security, are seeking a more emotionally fragile partner (easy to manipulate) to take care of them, only to leave once a sense of security is acquired. It happens, it’s not the majority of all women, and it’s not the majority of all men – please keep this in mind.

When we live in a society where we’re so conditioned to adopt certain ideologies about gender, it’s easy to fall victim to insecurity and ignorance. Men, you cannot buy love and taking care of someone is not an investment in your future. For example, if you choose to spend your time and money on taking care of someone, and choose to ignore the truths of how you feel – perhaps neglected? Insecure? Fragile? Then you are being emotionally ignorant. You cannot stop anyone from changing their mind, or walking away, and if you’re heartbroken because they did, and you feel betrayed, check in with your emotions first – did you ignore your truth? Was it easier to continue the relationship, than to disrupt it and enter conflict with presenting how you feel and facing the truth?

Men often become ignorant as they’re taught to bury how they feel to avoid coming across as weak and jeopardizing their masculinity (their security), and as a result, use their “advantages” as men to secure a partner. Presenting themselves in a way where they feel they can offer security and safety, in exchange for the love and belonging (emotional needs) they desperately need. For insecure women it’s often the other way round, they present love and belonging, their “advantage”, in exchange for safety and security. Women often become insecure because the world isn’t as secure for them.

Why? It’s likely because of how the world interrupts our natural journey into self-actualization/realization. What we see in the media particularly, encourages this type of behaviour. Women are taught to appeal to men’s emotional needs, and men are often taught to appeal to women’s safety and security needs.

How do we prevent it? It’s quite simple in theory, men need to start facing how they feel and learn to seek support independently, and women need to have more independent equal opportunities. This is an example of a restriction in our society which is keeping many people from realizing what they’re truly capable of as individuals, keeping people from discovering genuine partnerships.

In summary then, are insecure women taking advantage of emotionally ignorant men? Yes, but both parties are culpable. Therefore, we can also argue the that emotionally ignorant men are also taking advantage of insecure women.

Equality, it’s crucial to human development, please take notice.

Are you ready to discover the truths about your relationship?

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Sex and Its Impact On Success

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I grew up in a culture surrounded by sexual repression. A subject too taboo to discuss openly in an environment where dating wasn’t even a topic of consideration.  Which I found bizarre considering my ancestors nurtured a land of spiritual liberation and sexual expression and exploration, India.

Sex is an act we should discuss more openly and practice more freely, because confidence in the bedroom can help strengthen our vulnerabilities and affirm our identities.  It can help us reach an esteemed level of self-assurance, and can uplift our intimate relationships to a level of complete acceptance and assurance. And if we’re feeling secure and confident within ourselves, we’re more likely to succeed in many other aspects of our lives.

To maintain happy and healthy lives, we must always monitor and maintain balance. If you’re an individual that strives for meaningful sexual experiences, sex or rather bad sex, can be an indication of imbalance. Basically if you’re not enjoying your sexual experiences and you’re left feeling unfulfilled, it could be a sign that there’s a problem in some other area of your life.

It is often said that our minds are the most powerful sexual organs we possess, therefore to understand sex and its impact on success, we must first connect to the moments that lead us to meaningful sexual experiences. Therefore we cannot talk about sex without establishing the roles of attraction and love first:

  1. Attraction = the recognition of a compatible energy, as your identity seeks Balance.

Shed the shallow ideologies presented in the media, and you’ll find that attraction is a very personal pursuit. What we find attractive is as individual as our own identities. Who we find attractive isn’t just based on just looks, everyone knows that personality plays a large role.

The more open and honest you are about what you find attractive, the securer you’ll feel approaching who you find attractive, ultimately feeling secure within your own self. You’ll significantly improve your chances of finding a sexual partner that you’re compatible with, increasing your chances of finding someone that will help you strive for and maintain balance within your life. You’ll learn very quickly, that knowing what you want will help you achieve exactly the success you desire, much faster.

  1. Love = the recognition of acceptance, as two compatible identities become Balanced.

As you become accustomed to knowing what you’re attracted to, you significantly increase your chances of finding love. Love is to be completely accepting and to feel accepted. Two identities forming a connection unbound by convention, but bound by acceptance. Love will significantly improve your self-assurance, because being loved is knowing that who you are is valuable. That small four lettered emotion positively impacts your identity and your personal pursuits, because you’ve found your ultimate supporter and your biggest fan. That encouragement will guide you to success, by navigating you through the challenges that will most likely arise.

  1. Sex = the recognition of truth, as two identities performing the Balancing Act.

Good sex, the best sex, is when both/all parties involved can be completely vulnerable, open and honest with each other. Attraction can take you so far but sex will uncover a lot of truths. I think back to random one-night encounters, often they lack fulfillment, because it’s difficult to be completely vulnerable, honest and open with someone you’ve just met. Also the initial attraction may have been a deception, because the sex never measured up against the identity you perceived.

Sex uncovers a lot of truths about an individual, and when both parties do measure up to that initial attraction, sex becomes this awe-inspiring, self-assuring experience you expect it to be, and you begin to trust your own judgment and instinct. You begin to unleash your inner genius and tap into your potential, the very fibers of fulfilling success.

Encourage yourself to become more open and confident around the topic of sex, sexuality and what you find sexy, and begin your journey into liberation. The impact of living a liberated life, will feed the energy of unlimited success.

VanCity

5 Things Every Relationship Should Have

I often get asked why I post about relationships on this blog; it’s because relationships are a huge part of an individual’s success. People can hold each other back and people can propel  each other  forward. If I can provide my input to help others achieve the latter, then I believe this post fits right in.

Take what you will from the following list, but my entire relationship history has taught me to look out for the following 5 components.

1. Vulnerability. You need to be 100% yourself and honest around each other, be vulnerable enough to bare each other’s soul and share each other’s spirit. Being vulnerable is also being honest, which makes room for trust and to be easily read and to be easily understood. It keeps the relationship raw.

2. Identity. There’s nothing worse than getting into a relationship when you haven’t figured out who you are yet. Make it a mission to stay individual and embrace each other’s individuality. Strong identities in a relationship make it apparent when the other is not around. Make it easy to miss each other.

3. Support. Be each other’s biggest fan and support each other’s dreams. Ignite each other’s passions and beliefs and make it a passion of yours to watch the other become whole. Understand that you both began your own journey and rather than getting in the way of someone’s path, offer the support to help finish it.

4. Encouragement. Encourage each other  to become the best version of yourselves, rather than a version of a person that isn’t true.  To offer the encouragement to live life to the fullest and actually want to push each other to succeed towards individual goals and help each other overcome any crumb of doubt.

5. Challenge. Challenge each other, nothing turns loyal lovers to promiscuity more than the lack of a challenge. Challenge is at number five for a reason, if 1 to 4 are satisfied then challenging each other becomes second nature. It’ll encourage you to always keep the relationship fresh, to consistently remind, to prove and to embrace the reason the two of you stuck together.

If you review the list you’ll notice it’s actually really simple.

VanCity

Music: The Paper Kites – Bloom

Why Confident Men, Turn Women On.

Lads, we’ve been trying to figure this one out for ages but when it comes down to it, it really is all about confidence. First of all let’s not mistake confidence for cockiness. I think most women are put off if you’re acting like a douche. I guess confidence is assurance to women? Even women, who won’t admit it, expect to feel safe and secure around their blokes. I don’t mean by brawn and looks, although that’s what some women do look for, but apparently there is so much more.

To feel safe and secure could mean the ability to provide, to be a good father, to be faithful, to be honest, to be loyal, to be spiritual, to be successful…what feeling safe and secure means to a woman is definitely individual to her. So when a woman see’s a level of confidence in a man, I guess she becomes open to seeing what he has to offer and is curious as to why. If what you have is what she’s looking for, then for lack of a better term, you’re in!

Do not be afraid to take charge of your own confidence and don’t allow other people to determine your confidence for you. If your mate is acting one way to get the girl it doesn’t mean you have to work the same program, despite what some girls think, we know we’re not all the same and neither are they, so don’t be anyone else. You might have that fear of rejection and to be rejected is like kryptonite to your level of confidence, it’s not that uncommon.

However, if you feel you can step up and be the man that she’s looking for then you need to prove it. Have you ever looked at a woman and thought that you could be everything she ever wanted? That’s what I’m talking about; if you’re thinking that confidently, you’re going to have to act that way too. I know for some it’s easier said than done but it bears thinking about. Also, believe it or not women are even looking at how you handle rejection it’s a tell-tale sign of the type of person you are.

You know when you see that chubby 280 lbs guy with that babe on his arm and you think to yourself “how did he get her?” So, when you actually listen to women, it’s almost never about physical looks. Yes, a level of physical attraction is important, but if you can offer her what she wants, then you’re the sexiest person around. Rumor has it that the more confident we are the better we look, who knew?

Vancouver Relationship and Life Coach