Are Insecure Women Taking Advantage of Emotionally Ignorant Men?

 

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I had recently shared a post about the state of mental health among men, and as a result of that post, I saw a dramatic increase of consultations from men. Which is when I started becoming aware of another silent, and probably growing epidemic affecting men (and women). Men are being left heartbroken after investing in a relationship for a significant amount of time, because they’ve fallen victim to a fallacy. Their partners never intended to commit, they simply needed “a place to crash” as one client described it.

I’m a feminist, actually, scratch that, I’m a Sikh (still a feminist), because I truly believe that men and women are equal. As a result of this belief, rather truth, and that I also work in the field of relationships, I feel I should acknowledge a growing concern among men which isn’t talked about enough.

Now when it comes to relationships, I do agree, women have suffered far worse. You only have to look back a decade to realize how challenging it was/still is for women to be respected. There are women across the globe who are still having to fight and campaign for basic equal rights, which in 2018 sounds absurd. As men, we have a duty to support and educate ourselves about women. And, in the spirit of equality, women do also need to support and educate themselves on men – if we really are looking to shape an equal world.

Truth is, the majority of women don’t truly understand men, and vice versa, the majority of men don’t really understand women – though I would say the latter is probably more apparent in society today. Through years of conditioning and submitting genders to inaccurate roles represented in, well, pretty much anything we consume, is it any wonder why we define each other by generalized representations? Instead of actually understanding and getting to know each other as individuals?

In relationships, so many people think they know their partner inside out, it just isn’t true inside every relationship. Great relationships are one’s where both individuals are mutually and equally involved in each others personal development, and always trying to understand each other better as individuals. Difficult relationships on the other hand, are basically when two individuals have submitted to roles defined for them, and the relationship is merely a manifestation of a representation or ideology. Where does your relationship fall on this spectrum?

So back to the topic – which actually resonates with the dire end of the spectrum – are insecure women taking advantage of emotionally ignorant men? Yes, there are women out there, who, in order to maintain a sense of security, are seeking a more emotionally fragile partner (easy to manipulate) to take care of them, only to leave once a sense of security is acquired. It happens, it’s not the majority of all women, and it’s not the majority of all men – please keep this in mind.

When we live in a society where we’re so conditioned to adopt certain ideologies about gender, it’s easy to fall victim to insecurity and ignorance. Men, you cannot buy love and taking care of someone is not an investment in your future. For example, if you choose to spend your time and money on taking care of someone, and choose to ignore the truths of how you feel – perhaps neglected? Insecure? Fragile? Then you are being emotionally ignorant. You cannot stop anyone from changing their mind, or walking away, and if you’re heartbroken because they did, and you feel betrayed, check in with your emotions first – did you ignore your truth? Was it easier to continue the relationship, than to disrupt it and enter conflict with presenting how you feel and facing the truth?

Men often become ignorant as they’re taught to bury how they feel to avoid coming across as weak and jeopardizing their masculinity (their security), and as a result, use their “advantages” as men to secure a partner. Presenting themselves in a way where they feel they can offer security and safety, in exchange for the love and belonging (emotional needs) they desperately need. For insecure women it’s often the other way round, they present love and belonging, their “advantage”, in exchange for safety and security. Women often become insecure because the world isn’t as secure for them.

Why? It’s likely because of how the world interrupts our natural journey into self-actualization/realization. What we see in the media particularly, encourages this type of behaviour. Women are taught to appeal to men’s emotional needs, and men are often taught to appeal to women’s safety and security needs.

How do we prevent it? It’s quite simple in theory, men need to start facing how they feel and learn to seek support independently, and women need to have more independent equal opportunities. This is an example of a restriction in our society which is keeping many people from realizing what they’re truly capable of as individuals, keeping people from discovering genuine partnerships.

In summary then, are insecure women taking advantage of emotionally ignorant men? Yes, but both parties are culpable. Therefore, we can also argue the that emotionally ignorant men are also taking advantage of insecure women.

Equality, it’s crucial to human development, please take notice.

Are you ready to discover the truths about your relationship?

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Why Holding on to a Fantasy isn’t Necessarily a Bad Thing

Fantasy

My journey from living with insecurities to living with confidence and esteem has been long. It’s taken leaps and bounds overcoming challenges and threats to my identity but I made it through, partly because I held on to what once seemed like a fantasy.

7 years ago, if anyone had told me that I’d be living the life that I am today, and that I’d be living it happily, I’d liken such wisdom to fantasy. Although I yearned for it, no part of my being believed it. However entertaining the idea of how life could be offered me moments of escape where I could live out my ultimate dreams. The mere thought would stimulate emotion, enough emotion to encourage the spirit to act.

We grow up to be adults with plans and realistic tendencies that repress any thought deemed too fantastical. When living inside the ideologies of society we fail to see sense in exercising this natural ability.

The way I see it, what we have as human beings is meant to be embraced. Our imagination has no bounds, has no limits and has no restrictions. Our minds have the ability to give us whatever we want. Whether it’s that great love we desire to experience someday or the success we wish to encounter, we all have it in us to live it in the form of fantasy.

So what good is this fantasy? It’s not real, what use do we have for it? My answer is hope, and not that hope associated with religion. It’s the hope that inspires courage and determination and gives us the right to our identities free. It gives us the ability to dream and inspires us to locate opportunities to pull that dream into the realm of reality.

Life is fu*king tough, it’s not easy, but we do have something to turn to if we do need some comfort to cope. Our fantasies can be something we fuel our minds with to move forward and push through our struggles.

One thing about fantasy, and it’s sort of warping my mind even thinking about it, is that the imagination; the idea; this omnipresent force that exists within our minds allows us to feel. Feelings we cannot and must not deny.

The empathy we experience as we read a book or watch a movie. The connection we make with others that cannot be explained, and the raw expression of our own identities when there is no fear nor judgment to face. Our fantasies contribute so much to who we are and they give us so much to live for, yet we dismiss them because we’re taught to be realistic.

Today, I want to advise you that it’s OK to let your mind travel, it’s OK to enjoy the bliss and comfort that comes with being free to think and feel without the burden of reality. Hold on to your fantasies, let them fill your spirit with all the goodness that empowers you to become the best that you can be in your reality.

You have to be so much already; you may have so many hats to wear and roles to play in your everyday life. So long as you’re not harming anyone, explore your fantasy. Be free, be happy and don’t let the struggles of reality bring you down. This life I’m living now was once deemed a fantasy. Generations once enslaved also had a fantasy; lovers once deemed mentally ill also had a fantasy, and although there may be quite a bit of distance between the two realms, never let go of the possibility that one day that distance will decrease.

Vancouver Relationship and Life Coach

100 Blog Posts: 100 Reflections to Self Respect

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I was always taught that whenever I stayed over at a friend’s house, I was to ensure I respected my hosts and to leave their home having left a positive impact. After hitting this milestone of 100 blog posts, I finally understood what this lesson instilled in me. It was a lesson of self-respect.

We never grew up with much, well compared to my elder siblings I probably had a lot more, but we never had the material luxuries our friends or cousins had. It annoyed me and I used to resent my parents for always helping other people with their needs, because I felt we never really had the means to actually help others.

“I mean come on mum and dad, what’s the point in helping others if we don’t have a nice Benz to roll around in.” Sounds ridiculous doesn’t it, it’s kind of my point. It’s this cancerous way of thinking that’s causing us to disrespect the world we live in, and leaving a thoughtless trail of negativity for others to adopt. We all do it without even realizing it, we want without purpose and desire without cause. Many of us just aim to obtain the best lifestyle possible, never thinking about building the best life possible.

We can easily and casually overlook self-respect and our duty to pay it forward, so long as we have enough shiny distractions. I reckon it’s a reason why there is so much injustice and inequality in the world. It’s why many of us fail to reach true and lasting fulfillment, we have no idea why we want the things we want, we’re simply encouraged to want them.

I think about the struggles people go through. No doubt, life is difficult. I mean on top of keeping a roof over our heads and food on our tables, we ALL want freedom, we ALL want more bliss, and we ALL want to live in a more positive, more equal and more just world. So why is it so difficult to help each other out?

100 reflections later and I’ve learnt more about myself and life as I know it. I stress the importance of living by your own identity because it causes you to face and overcome your demons, and enables you to share your life with the world you live in. The more comfortable you are with yourself, the more honest you can be and the more positive you become.  You’ll learn to understand why you want the things you want and even alter those desires when you realize what it is your truly in search of.

It took me quite a while to completely let go of any agendas that held me back from being myself completely. The more I held onto the idea of fitting in, I filled my life with empty fulfillment. When I broke free from that, I began identifying how much was enough to feel safe and secure. Once I helped myself, I was able to help others and pay it forward.

Over two years ago I started The Lion’s Life. It started out as a way to develop an online profile so that I could say in an interview “I have a blog.” 100 reflections later, I’m turning down promotions and certain job offers because the money no longer motivates me. The life that I want to build does.

“I love this, it’s an inspiration to all!!! Retweeting this!!!”

The day I received my first positive comment was from a supportive friend. I felt something powerful that I had never felt before, it was genuine self-respect. I had inspired someone to do something positive and I felt more rewarded than any possession I had earned.

I stuck to it and then these comments followed:

“We love this blog! …Be Yourself… Everyone Else Is Taken”

 “Thank you, through selfless sharing of ideas, thoughts and experiences that will make our world a better place to live.“

Great post for a week I was feeling a little gloomy! Thanks for the inadvertent boost.”

“What a blog! Thank you for sharing. This is something I definitely needed to read :)”

Love this! I found the same thing, magical things happen when you have the confidence to pursue your dreams!”

Beautiful! Thank you for writing this and sharing.”

So often matters are centric to awareness. Your words are grounding and worthy of reading/heeding.”

When the blog transitioned into a vice that offered support and inspiration to others, I learned that respecting the world we live in (this includes the people in it) and ensuring that we impact it positively, is more important than working to climb any sort of social ladder on my own. They say misery needs company, well the same is true for happiness.

Mum and dad must have known all of this for years, despite anything they went through financially, mum’s smile and heart is still contagious, and dad’s soul still beams bright and full of energy. The lesson they taught me (the one I mentioned at the beginning of this post) is much bigger than I initially thought.

What if every person just aimed to live on this planet, respecting it and leaving a positive impact as they depart.

Just think if we all just graced every single day with optimism, hope and helped each other out. We wouldn’t even need to debate if God exists or not, because God would no longer matter.

I guess the message in my 100th blog post is as follows:

Stay humble and remain honest as you help yourself, help another and help the world.

Vancouver Relationship and Life Coach

Relationships: What Makes A Powerful Partnership?

by, VanCityLifeCoach.com

Relationships

We construct our goals and our life missions based on the very traits of our own identity. We seek the things we like and love, and work towards eliminating anything negative. We propel our lives forward by desire and in search of fulfillment, so why settle for anything less in relationships?

There’s a list of things in my life that I rarely like to talk about, relationships feature prominently on that list. For those who know me personally, know that I’m very focused on what I want from life, but when it comes to relationships I find myself always changing my mind.

I don’t know why and maybe it’s just me, but the intimacy and connection one can create with another is difficult to put into words. It’s an experience to live rather than a discussion to have; each relationship is as individual as the people who make them.

Hand on heart, I consider myself lucky to have experienced this phenomena first hand, even though it was short lived, it left a lasting impression on my life. It changed my entire point of view on what it means to be connected to another person.

You see, it was never about how she smiled or how she did her hair that mattered. It was the impact she had on my aspirations that opened my eyes to what it meant to have a powerful partner. Furthermore it was the impact I had on her aspirations, where I understood the importance of companionship and its role in life.

Your identity has its strengths and its weaknesses, knowing these traits help you succeed in every aspect of your life and therefore very important to understand when getting into a relationship. You must find and be a partner that contributes to self-assurance.

Where I was angry she was calm, where she suffered doubt I offered confidence, where I lacked patience she had time. To put it simply, where one was weak the other was strong and it was always about balancing out the weaker components of each other’s identity that made the bond strong.

Being in a relationship does have a bigger purpose to serve and the strength of your identity will establish what you have to gain and what you have to offer.

A powerful partnership goes beyond your interests and hobbies, far from the music you like and what you share in common. As far as I’ve experienced, they’re just conveniences that fill moments in living everyday life. Take all that away and what are you truly left with? What purpose does the relationship serve?

Don’t allow yourself to be influenced by individuals desperate to find each other, but have yet to find themselves. Continue to learn more about yourself and grow to know what it is you have to gain from a relationship, and how a relationship will guide you closer towards a life of fulfillment.

Vancouver Relationship and Life Coach

How the Other Half Live: Scaling Honesty

The Honesty Scale

 

Your mind is the most powerful tool you have, within it are the very ideas that will guide you to your dream.

For most, those ideas are often hidden or contained within barriers of emotion and perceived threats. Threats and emotions you use as a defense against who you really are and what you really want from life. So you protect your ideas from the world in order to fit in, into a life longing for more, until you become another person to let a dream die.

For a brief moment, look into the world with an objective lens, referring to the diagram above, you’ll notice that you can place people on a scale. On one side you have those passing time – going through the motions of life, restricting their ideas and resulting in a loss or lack of true identity.

On the other side, you have people who live freely, making time for the life they really want to live. Exploring their ideas and building their lives towards their dream. Living life by the true nature of their identity in pursuit of their own goals.

It’s pretty obvious where most of us would like to be placed, but to determine your position on this scale you should ask yourself “how honest are you?”

Decision Time

Honesty Scale

Honesty is a very important component when shaping a life your happy with. For me it was being able to tell the world that I want to make a difference and actually help people. Sounds easy enough, but very difficult if you grew up exposed to an environment and philosophy no less – that linked a good life and success to self-gratification.

The more honest you are to yourself and to others around you, the closer you are towards the happier side of the scale. We’re all individuals capable of greatness but unfortunately the messages we consume or are exposed to can crumble our ability to be honest.

You’ll reach that center point, that pivotal ‘decision time’ at several stages in your life. To either be honest about what you want and embark on a journey among the other half making time to live. Or cave under the pressure of fear and change, burying your honesty to follow the path back to passing time – making room for short term fulfillment like the purchase of a new phone and following latest trends.

You avoid thinking for yourself because it’s easier to let influences distract you from what you really want or rather, what you truly do not have. Remember you can never run away from the truth but honesty will eventually catch up with you in the form of frustration and stress. Due to the lack of lasting fulfillment your lead back to that central point.

Your ideas and your mind crave to be free, they’ll fight for freedom and rise to the surface again and again. You have opportunities to make lasting changes in your life but ultimately it’s whether you’re willing to admit the truth in order to move closer towards ‘making time’.

Considered Different

I reckon we’re all born at the right side of the scale but as we grow up we’re influenced to live life by ‘passing time’. Therefore when we decide to break free from that, we’re considered different, but you must learn to share your truths in order to succeed.

I also thought about how boys are afraid to express emotion and vulnerability because of a misguided view on what it takes to be a man. Then on the other hand, girls afraid to share ambition and courage because of the mixed messages they’re exposed to that define women. We teach children to bury their honesty without even realizing it, to grow up on a “trivial pursuit of happiness.”

When I tell people I’m writing a book and that I want to coach others closer to the best that they can be, people think that it’s “amazing” and that it’s “different” when in actuality, it’s a lot easier than it was writing my university dissertation and much easier than going to a job i’m not fulfilled by. I’ve set my mind free, allowed myself to be honest about what I want from life and it led me to this path towards fulfillment. I’m naturally encouraged to think for myself now and challenge ideology.

The longer you live to pass time the more helpless you’re going to feel when it comes to making that decision, because the transition from chasing work/trends to chasing your dream comes with incredible challenges. However the more truthful you are to yourself, you’ll empower yourself to follow through with your goals and with each goal accomplished, the easier it’ll become to aim for what you truly want.

Eventually fear and doubt will cease to exist and you’ll obtain a set ofSuper Powers’ to help you along. Just like any major change in life, it just takes some time getting used to.

Just remember, being honest exposes your identity, your identity defines your dream and the energy of your dream gives you the motivation, courage and determination to pursue it. It just all depends on how honest you are willing to be.

Vancouver Relationship and Life Coach