How to Tame the Ego

Success is like a drug, and like drugs it comes in many forms: a return on investment, a fulfilling experience, or even reaching a higher state of consciousness. And just like drugs, success can develop into an addiction, and the only way to sustain the addiction is to feed the ego. The ego is the only thing that can convince you that the success (the drug) is all you need to live for.

My ego has fought for dominion over my conscious experience my entire life, and with each success, my self-awareness weakens and becomes a window of opportunity for my ego to reign.

puppet-1406906_1920.jpg

This week has been a series of wins and with each ‘hit’, I could feel my identity escaping me. When you succeed, in the very traditional sense of the word, the world starts to take notice and sort of validates your self-worth with every like, comment, congratulatory call or text. Each validation enhances the ‘high’, and it’s a difficult feeling to escape. I mean, who doesn’t like being validated by someone else?

Over the past few years, I feel my biggest accomplishment has been developing my self-awareness, and when my behaviours started mimicking that of my ego, it was time to put it back in its place. I found myself constantly checking my phone for red notifications, replying “thank you”, to comments from people who don’t really give a sh*t, and allowing myself to believe that only I can do what I do, which I know for a fact isn’t true. That’s not the life I want to build, that’s not the life experience I want live, and nor is it the life I want to share.

Praise is like positive reinforcement, the behaviours (the successes) I was being rewarded for (praised for), we’re reinforcing the idea that if I repeat these same behaviours, I can expect to be rewarded again. Soon, my purpose is replaced with the desire for more praise and validation. This entices the ego to come out and play, and to take control over my life in order to sustain this rewards based system.

monkey-2418851_960_720.jpg

If I let this happen I restrict my potential, because it’ll only motivate me to do enough to keep others happy and keep my ego satisfied. It also places an overwhelming expectation, an unnecessary pressure which’ll distract me from being able to just, be. It’s a difficult behaviour to undo, a difficult behaviour to defeat, when this is what we’re taught from a young age. That the only reason to do anything, is for the reward.

We rarely praise each other for feeling completely content with where we are in our lives. Rarely are we impressed with people who are just happy on their journey, wherever it’s headed. It’s always a sort of “that’s nice” or “good luck” or “you’ll go far”- a compliment that suggests we should be doing more for a reward/better reward. I remember these praises, because I got them a lot when I started blogging. It was only when success grows, do people feel compelled to reach out and say “well done” and “Congratulations!”

Where’s the appreciation for just existing and being you? Why does being you and doing what you do naturally, have to be worth something in terms of “success”, before you’re appreciated at all?

monk-1409820_1920

This is what years of feeling insignificant does to us, when we grow up feeling insignificant any experience of validation becomes a high, just like a drug, because the experience is so surreal to us. We want more of this unreal experience. We’re rarely taught that who we are is enough, so a lot of us spend a lifetime chasing the high for no other reason than to just feel worth something. Forever trying to prove our worth, and less time developing and learning from it.

We all have a reason to exist, we all have worth from the moment we’re born, and I think the ego is tamed when we accept that. When we accept ourselves life becomes this wonderful journey of discovery, instead of a mission to know and have things just to justify what we think we know, which is often very far from the truth.

When we equate validation to acceptance, to love, and to appreciation, we lose sight of our own capacity to accept, love, appreciate, so we blindly validate ego.

Without the attachment to traditional affirmations of success: the nice house, the flashy cars, the perfect relationship and all the other trimmings sold to us on social media, who are we? I think it’s a reason why so many relationships tank, why so many great ideas fail, and so many of us give up on things we’re passionate about so quickly. It seems if we don’t get the validation it’s not worth the experience, so we give up or do the minimum to sustain whatever we’ve built.

man-2548156_1920.jpg

All I did was start expressing my truth and once I got comfortable with it, I navigated my truth to different experiences, and the experiences taught me how to share it. Living more authentically gave me the courage to explore the things that truly interested me, and the more I learned, the more I invested my life into it. I was developing my passion and as my passion grew I identified my purpose, all because it just felt right, natural even.

This is why I wrote this post today, to save me and the future me from my own ego. It may not be well written, nor will it ever be perfect, but it’s me, and so long as I continue to express myself honestly, I’ll continue to develop and grow me into the best version of me I can ever be.

I think if we all work hard to develop self-awareness and actively help each other keep our egos in check, relationships will inspire, passions will be pursued and life will become a freer experience to live.

cropped-sidhu_terry-logo_smsq.png

Advertisements

Why We Secretly Enjoy Getting Pissed Off

anger

When we find ourselves in moments of anger, there’s usually an element of control that’s missing. We fear what we’re not in control of, which is why I think this primitive aggression takes over. It’s a way for us to reassert ourselves and regain control.

I reckon we secretly enjoy these moments of rage because they make us feel powerful; they allow us to vent our frustrations without facing our inner truths. However, to move forward happily in our lives, we must learn to overcome fits of anger by being honest with ourselves and what it is we truly want.

It’s no secret that several years ago I used to hold onto a lot of anger. Easily triggered, I would quickly go from a state of calm to an overpowering rage in any situation that didn’t present an outcome I desired. Unleashing my wrath, I would cause emotional harm to those around me and emotional torment upon myself. I hated this part of myself as it did not represent my identity.

My frustrations were fuelled by up keeping outdated cultural traditions, and maintaining and meeting everyone else’s expectations. I was frustrated that I was working very hard to build a life that I was not happy with at all. I felt like the world and everyone in it seeped into my consciousness and controlled me from within. Moulding my identity to fit into ideologies I did not agree with and trends I did not want to follow.

I think flipping the switch and flying off the handle gave me a sense of freedom; it was the ultimate f*** you. I suppose it felt good because it was inadvertently honest. It was a moment where I was unconcerned about anything or anyone else but myself and what I wanted.

Getting Over It

The very day life turned around for me was the day I decided to venture into a life of my own design. When I realized that if I want things to go my own way, I have to go my own way. There was no one to blame anymore, nor was there anything in my way.

One thing that I had to work on though, was my ability to be honest and accept the reasons for my frustrations. It’s difficult to admit when we’re not happy, even more so if others will be affected by this honesty. Being honest is learning to express emotion, its learning to admit challenges and asking for help when needed. Consider anger an indicator of hiding from the truth.

I’ve learned that the more we repress honesty the more we feed our ego, until eventually we build lives where an ego is all we’re left with.

Experience more of that secret enjoyment everyday by regularly expressing yourself in ways others wouldn’t expect; be more honest. At first you may experience feelings of displacement, judgment and perhaps even mockery, but once you put yourself out there for the world to see, there’s no need go back. Once you confront and then begin to share your truth, feelings of frustration become far and fewer and experiences of joy become more frequent.

Fight frustration with truth and notice day by day, how much less the world pisses you off.

Vancouver Relationship and Life Coach