How to Tame the Ego

Success is like a drug, and like drugs it comes in many forms: a return on investment, a fulfilling experience, or even reaching a higher state of consciousness. And just like drugs, success can develop into an addiction, and the only way to sustain the addiction is to feed the ego. The ego is the only thing that can convince you that the success (the drug) is all you need to live for.

My ego has fought for dominion over my conscious experience my entire life, and with each success, my self-awareness weakens and becomes a window of opportunity for my ego to reign.

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This week has been a series of wins and with each ‘hit’, I could feel my identity escaping me. When you succeed, in the very traditional sense of the word, the world starts to take notice and sort of validates your self-worth with every like, comment, congratulatory call or text. Each validation enhances the ‘high’, and it’s a difficult feeling to escape. I mean, who doesn’t like being validated by someone else?

Over the past few years, I feel my biggest accomplishment has been developing my self-awareness, and when my behaviours started mimicking that of my ego, it was time to put it back in its place. I found myself constantly checking my phone for red notifications, replying “thank you”, to comments from people who don’t really give a sh*t, and allowing myself to believe that only I can do what I do, which I know for a fact isn’t true. That’s not the life I want to build, that’s not the life experience I want live, and nor is it the life I want to share.

Praise is like positive reinforcement, the behaviours (the successes) I was being rewarded for (praised for), we’re reinforcing the idea that if I repeat these same behaviours, I can expect to be rewarded again. Soon, my purpose is replaced with the desire for more praise and validation. This entices the ego to come out and play, and to take control over my life in order to sustain this rewards based system.

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If I let this happen I restrict my potential, because it’ll only motivate me to do enough to keep others happy and keep my ego satisfied. It also places an overwhelming expectation, an unnecessary pressure which’ll distract me from being able to just, be. It’s a difficult behaviour to undo, a difficult behaviour to defeat, when this is what we’re taught from a young age. That the only reason to do anything, is for the reward.

We rarely praise each other for feeling completely content with where we are in our lives. Rarely are we impressed with people who are just happy on their journey, wherever it’s headed. It’s always a sort of “that’s nice” or “good luck” or “you’ll go far”- a compliment that suggests we should be doing more for a reward/better reward. I remember these praises, because I got them a lot when I started blogging. It was only when success grows, do people feel compelled to reach out and say “well done” and “Congratulations!”

Where’s the appreciation for just existing and being you? Why does being you and doing what you do naturally, have to be worth something in terms of “success”, before you’re appreciated at all?

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This is what years of feeling insignificant does to us, when we grow up feeling insignificant any experience of validation becomes a high, just like a drug, because the experience is so surreal to us. We want more of this unreal experience. We’re rarely taught that who we are is enough, so a lot of us spend a lifetime chasing the high for no other reason than to just feel worth something. Forever trying to prove our worth, and less time developing and learning from it.

We all have a reason to exist, we all have worth from the moment we’re born, and I think the ego is tamed when we accept that. When we accept ourselves life becomes this wonderful journey of discovery, instead of a mission to know and have things just to justify what we think we know, which is often very far from the truth.

When we equate validation to acceptance, to love, and to appreciation, we lose sight of our own capacity to accept, love, appreciate, so we blindly validate ego.

Without the attachment to traditional affirmations of success: the nice house, the flashy cars, the perfect relationship and all the other trimmings sold to us on social media, who are we? I think it’s a reason why so many relationships tank, why so many great ideas fail, and so many of us give up on things we’re passionate about so quickly. It seems if we don’t get the validation it’s not worth the experience, so we give up or do the minimum to sustain whatever we’ve built.

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All I did was start expressing my truth and once I got comfortable with it, I navigated my truth to different experiences, and the experiences taught me how to share it. Living more authentically gave me the courage to explore the things that truly interested me, and the more I learned, the more I invested my life into it. I was developing my passion and as my passion grew I identified my purpose, all because it just felt right, natural even.

This is why I wrote this post today, to save me and the future me from my own ego. It may not be well written, nor will it ever be perfect, but it’s me, and so long as I continue to express myself honestly, I’ll continue to develop and grow me into the best version of me I can ever be.

I think if we all work hard to develop self-awareness and actively help each other keep our egos in check, relationships will inspire, passions will be pursued and life will become a freer experience to live.

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How Trauma Effects your Identity – My Perspective

TraumaI remember in psychology learning about trauma and its effect on behaviour and it was always that word I held onto – behaviour.

I remember thinking how certain people around me showed signs of past trauma affecting their behaviour, such as: their lack of self-worth, their struggle to control emotion and their inability to connect with their true identity.

I also remember how people were discussed, as if the trauma was attached to their identity, even my psychology teachers blurred that line between identity and behaviour. Misleading the class to think trauma affects who you are rather than how you behave.

I remember someone in particular, someone in my past that taught me so much more about trauma than any psychology class ever did.

Like many, this person turned to drugs for release, I remember meeting this person at their worst and getting a glimpse of who they are at their best. Probably the most difficult friend I’ve ever had. Not difficult in the sense of dealing with their addiction; it was just difficult trying to meet the person hidden behind the drugs and trauma.

This person really helped me understand inner conflict and the negative impact it has on one’s life. Escape, even though just for a moment was the only peace this person could experience. To escape from trauma and becoming numb to their identity.

I learned a lot about how trauma works through my interactions with this person.

Please note, anything I mention in this post is my own perspective.

I started seeing trauma differently after this person opened up to me about their experiences.

Traditionally I feel people still think that trauma shapes a person’s identity, as if the trauma is well and truly embedded into who they are. However, I couldn’t help hold onto the word ‘behaviour’, and through my interactions with this person, the distinction between behaviour and identity became much clearer.

This person was often led to believe that change and breaking through trauma was near impossible, because they too were understanding that it was their identity the trauma had affected; believing something was wrong with them and not understanding that the person they actually are is just hidden.

This person believed that they are who they are and that’s it. I felt their Shrink decided to focus more on the trauma itself rather than spending equal amounts of time nurturing and speaking to the true identity hidden beneath it.

The more I interacted with this person, I began to understand that trauma is like a dark cloud over their identity, the drugs acted like an umbrella protecting them from the downpour of emotion.

When I saw this person engage in their passions and tap into their talent (which is how we crossed paths), and work towards things that made them feel alive, I saw no sign that this person was suffering from trauma. I saw this person for who they actually are without the negative effects of their past.

It was after meeting this person I discovered that very wide line between identity and behaviour. I understood that trauma does not reflect someone’s identity. Unfortunately my friend was led to believe that the trauma they had faced was a part of who they were and that there is no escaping it. Yes it will be forever a part of their life but by no means should anyone be led to believe it’s a part of who they are.

One day I hope to obtain the necessary skills and funds to investigate this further, get the education and conduct professional research of my own. For now, I hope my message will help others dealing with trauma, or have people in their lives suffering from it, understand that underneath the trauma is an individual trying to clear away the clouds and roam free to pursue life as the person they truly are.

Vancouver Relationship and Life Coach