Quiz: “Should I Leave My Partner?”

I feel most of my clients who come to me for relationship advice, are individuals pondering this very question: should I leave my partner?

Based on my experience as a relationship coach, I put this simple quiz together to help you better understand your motivations, and gain insight as to why you may be feeling this way.

THE ‘QUIZ’

Simply Answer ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ to the following questions, in order, according to the descriptions below them.

Please read through all the questions first, then answer as honestly as you can.

Question 1: Do you Want to Leave Your Partner?

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When thinking about want, think about your personal desires and how you want to live your life. Think about your personal goals and aspirations in life, and decipher if you feel they’re restricted or constrained because of your commitment to your relationship. If you find yourself feeling restricted, then you likely want to leave your partner.

Question 2: Do you Need to Leave Your Partner?

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When thinking about needs, think about your most basic level needs, such as your physiological needs: food, water, warmth, shelter, sex and so on. And your safety and security needs such as emotional security, personal safety and security and in this day and age, financial security. If your basic needs aren’t fulfilled satisfactorily because of your relationship, then you likely need to leave your partner, for your life and well-being has become dependant on your relationship.

Question 3: Can you Afford to Leave Your Partner?

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This question is all about if you feel you can afford the opportunity to leave your partner. Basically weighing up the cost and gain or the pros and cons. For example, if you have little to none mutual investments (such as children, business, property, friends/networks), you yourself are financially independent or can be, your partner is emotionally secure, and you have a strong support network, then you’re likely to feel that you can afford to leave your partner. If, on the other hand, you have many shared mutual investments, are financially unstable, you or your partner is emotionally dependant, and you have a weak support network, then you’re likely to feel like you can’t afford to leave your partner. So think about this answer very carefully.

YOUR ANSWERS

Here’s what your results may suggest, though please keep in mind that this quiz should not be substituted for professional advice. Consider it a useful evaluation tool.

1.Yes / 2.Yes / 3.Yes – Absolutely Positive

You probably should leave your partner or at least consider temporary separation. Your relationship no longer serves any real purpose or value, and the longer you hold on to it, the more resentment you’ll develop. You will likely consider cheating if you haven’t cheated already.

1.No / 2.No / 3. No – Absolute Negative

You probably shouldn’t leave your partner because your relationship is healthy for you, and you’re not likely to cheat. However, if you are pondering this question, then perhaps it’s your partner who should be taking this quiz, for it could be your partner who may have you feeling a little insecure.

1.Yes / 2.Yes / 2.No – Out of Love.

It’s a lack of independence and confidence that is holding you back. Therefore, I suggest you place priority on developing your confidence and gaining independent control in areas of your life, where you’re most insecure. For example, learn to develop your own financial security, improve your self-perception and learn how to live life on your own terms. When you feel more confident re-visit this question, as you may change your mind about how you feel. A physical and emotional affair is likely if left unresolved, so discuss deeply your personal aspirations and desires with your partner.

1.Yes / 2.No / 2.No – Identity Crisis

Your relationship draws too much focus and I think want to feel like an individual again. Start developing your identity by investing in independent hobbies and interests, generally things you’re curious about. You’re likely to get involved in an emotional affair over a physical one, because what you desire is connected more to the mind than the body. Education would be a good route for you or perhaps starting a new career, but don’t make any more mutual investments with your partner, until you feel like you again. Discuss the redistribution of responsibilities with your partner, so that you can have the opportunity to develop a sense of self.

1.No / 2.Yes / 3.Yes – Feeling Guilty.

The lack of spiritual and/or physical fulfillment is motivating this thought. Your compassion and concern for your partners well-being is a contender keeping you from leaving. You can afford to leave and you need to leave, but whatever attachment is keeping you from leaving stems from your very own humanity. You may already be sabotaging your relationship, perhaps not knowingly, because you may be looking for an excuse or blame or exit strategy where you don’t feel guilt or shame. Either way, it’s not fair on you nor your partner to prolong an unfulfilling relationship. Your relationship is unhealthy, so break-up or be prepared to talk brutally honest about how you feel. A physical affair is likely, temptations are probably high.

1.No / 2.No / 3.Yes – Complacency

You need a bit of excitement in your life, book a vacation and/or explore new ways to spice up your relationship. Maybe a good opportunity to invest in something, or indulge yourself. Maybe think about having children if you want them/another. You probably don’t want to cheat, but if you don’t do something you enjoy soon, you probably will have an affair out of boredom. People who often find themselves here may cause unnecessary drama in a relationship, because they lack stimulation. Maybe develop a creative outlet, better that than to take your frustrations out on your relationship.

1.No / 2.Yes / 3.No – Oppression

Are you oppressed? Your identity is probably sewn into your relationship, and perhaps you fear the consequences of leaving. Who are you without your partner and what are you worth? You need to conquer some fears and discover/reveal who you really are and what you’re really capable of. You need personal aspirations and independent goals, you need to be able to take care of yourself. So I suggest you start making a list of personal fears and start conquering them, maybe start with the easiest one. Personal triumphs can go a long way for you, however small they may seem. Start regaining control over your life, but to do that, you need some confidence, so investigate your curiosities.

1.Yes / 2.No / 3.Yes – Convenience

It’s like you’re hanging around because the sex is good, or whatever other basic need is abundantly fulfilled. I think that maybe you like being taken care of, or maybe you just like the comfort/convenience of having a partner, either way, you’re probably compromising your identity and personal development for it. I suggest having an open and honest conversation about your intentions for the relationship, and see if you’re both willing to continue until the relationships no longer serves a purpose. There’s not much psychological fulfillment in this relationship, but there is a lot of physiological fulfillment. It’s a relationship not a spa, please tread on your partners heart carefully, or better yet, be honest.

Want to improve communication in your relationship? Discover 5 Alternative ways to improve communication in your relationship…

 

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Hack Your Cup of Coffee

I do try and avoid coffee, however, even I need that boost after a late night of research and work. I’ve noticed though, that the effect of coffee doesn’t last very long and often sets off feelings of anxiousness. Which is expected given that you’re forcing your body into a wakened state. I’ve discovered that adding a teaspoon/half a teaspoon of Turmeric really helps sustain the effect of coffee throughout my day, and helps me gradually build up to a wakened state. Which reduces my coffee intake to just one cup! – Though you may want to add honey for taste, Turmeric doesn’t go down easy 😝

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Anxiety is a mental health issue which affects over 40 million American Adults, 1 in 4 Canadians, 4.1 per thousand in Indians, 6 million in the UK, and approximately 100 million people in China. That’s already 200+ million people worldwide! I became curious about the global statistics as I seem to be dealing with more clients here in Vancouver and The Lower Mainland, who are battling this mental disorder on a regular basis.

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Mental Health: The “Silent Epidemic” Killing Men

The epidemic may be silent but enough is enough, men, we need to continue and raise the conversation on mental health. Did you know that suicide rates are higher among men, than in women, and that this seems to be a global trend? Furthermore, the suicide rate is steadily increasing with age, which means, guys, the longer we keep bottling up our emotions and suppress what we feel, we’re only more likely to arrive at that point of no return. There’s hope though, but keep in mind my advice and concern can only go so far. In truth, only you can truly save yourself, but you’ll have to drop the ego to do so, and let go of every way in which you define yourself as a ‘Man’.

Despite what we’ve been led to believe, we’re not born as fearless heroes and we’re not born to rule the world. I promise you that the world will not fall apart if we express a little emotion and communicate the truth about how we feel. In-fact, we’ll be doing the world a favour by doing so, making it more equal and life more liberating for all.

I coach a wide variety of clients internationally, but this year alone I have worked with more men, and first off let me tell you, mental health does not discriminate. Whether you’re white and powerful or you’re brown and proud, no one is protected from this. If you’re old and wise, or young and resilient, you are not protected from this either. Money, sexuality, what you do for a living, your relationship status, your good morals, your tough exterior, your balanced upbringing, and whichever other way you define and associate yourself with, will not protect you from the emotional ailments that feed on the suppression of truth. So if you think that this does not apply to you, you are very very wrong, and is just another reason why this problem among men has been dubbed a “silent epidemic

Coaching both men and women, I’m constantly learning of the many perspectives people have of the modern-day man, and the issue restricting men really comes down to representation and how it shapes expectation. For example, what parents expect of their sons, what partners expect from their men, and what men expect for themselves is something that is probably learnt and not naturally inherited.

Everywhere we turn there seems to be a representation of men being brave, bold, strong and successful, predominantly fearless in the face of a challenge and affirmed in his character. Physically weaker men and emotionally sensitive men are often portrayed to desire a stronger more masculine exterior, for they’re usually presented as inadequate and unattractive; as the ‘lesser-man’. Watch nearly any mainstream superhero or action movie, and it won’t be long before you see these characterizations.

Men with emotional ailments are taught to “man-up”, because, again, it is taught that it isn’t natural for a man to suffer emotionally. It seems the message we receive as boys teaches us that our self-worth is determined by our masculinity, and what it means to be a “Man” – which is a message that is very much incorrect. Now I’m not saying that these representations are negative traits, I mean as men we have little to complain about when it comes to positive representation, but if that’s all we’re represented as, then is it any wonder we have a difficult relationship with vulnerability?

We’re rarely represented in a vulnerable light, which is why the world doesn’t expect us to be vulnerable, nor do we really know how to be vulnerable without compromising our emotional integrity. It’s why we fear being seen as vulnerable too, because it conflicts with our learned expectations. As men, we need to widen the representation pool and campaign for more vulnerable depictions of the male identity, and we can only start this process when more of us open up about how we feel behind closed doors. It seems as if we’re programmed to forget that feeling vulnerable is a human trait, and that every man is human. Which I suppose is an accurate statement to make, as we only have to look back at religious texts dating back many millennia – the media of the day – to realize that most Gods and God-like characters in society were referred to as “he” and depicted as men.

I work with motivation for a living and as my career develops, I realize everyday the fundamental mistake we make when defining ourselves as men and why so many of us, all genders included, fail to attain any sense of self-realization. Truth is, we put our gender identities before our very own existence. We somehow fail to realize we’re human, and that our conscious experience is a human experience first and foremost, not just a gendered one. Any emotions you see depicted, and every single emotion you experience, they’re all human emotions, and any emotion that humanly exists can impact any one of us at anytime. It’s entirely a myth to believe that men aren’t affected by certain emotions, such as: insecurity, anxiety and depression, because they’re all human traits designed to help us navigate through life. Therefore, to deny or suppress such emotion is, from my experience and understanding, an extension of self-harm.

Being a “Man” is the equivalent of playing a character, and it’s when you don’t feel like that character, is when you fail to perform – in every interpretation of the word. It’s a human trait to want to survive, so if you’re not feeling like you can go on any longer, and you’re losing the will to live, then drop the role and realize you’re having a human experience, instead of a male one. Don’t think about resolving your issues like a man, you must resolve your issues like a human, unbound by gender.

Crying is a human trait; sadness is a human trait;  fear is a human trait; expression is a human trait; desire is a human trait, and anyone who judges you (yourself included) for any human trait, is just another being who has lost touch with their humanity, and submitted themselves to a restrictive human-like character.

Our human potential is where our focus and attention should be, and exploring life as a human as opposed to just a man, will detach us from the roles and ideologies which meddle with our self-worth and esteem. Deal with your emotional ailments as any human would, and set yourself free from the limiting beliefs of Man.